well, shit

I have so much garbage floating in my head right now an I don't know how to dispel it. I feel like I question things far too much, should we have gotten married with all the problems we seem to have? Or are the problems just in me, in my half of this relationship? Why do I not want to have sex with you? Why does that not bother me more? Is it because I've gotten comfortable in this whole no sex thing for the past... well almost three years? That's half the time we've been together... the entire time we've been married. That freaks me right the fuck out. That makes me wonder if we should have gotten this far in. I think maybe we took things to fast... and where does that leave us now? Married with a baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my little baby with everything I've got and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I just mean that most people who have known each other for 6 years are still dating, and possibly engaged.... I just don't know. For some reason the what-ifs always get to me and for some reason I let them. Maybe I just wish we were more free like when we first met, sometimes I hate all of the worry and responsibility that comes with all of this adulthood. And of course all of this negative thought make me not want to have another baby, I think we need to work through all of this before there's another child involved. Maybe I fucked myself by trying to stick to my plans I had made for life as a kid. I always wanted to get married young, have two kids two years apart... maybe I should have thrown those stupid plans out the window when I moved to California. Who the fuck knows. I know we have had some really good times that I wouldn't trade for anything and we have a wonderful little girl. Maybe we just need to spend more time on ourselves, just as a couple, not as a family or as parents. I do think that moving to Florida was possibly one of the worst things we have ever done... I can't say I've felt very happy ever since then. I hoped it would be better once we moved out here or when we were back in Vermont, but let's be honest... I need help to get out of my "funk" I've been in for two years. Maybe I just need something fun to do, maybe I need to spend time with some of my friends. I feel like I want to get away from everything for a little bit so I can be fully myself when I get back. I think that's why I want to go to California for a long weekend, to try and straighten all this shit out in my head, try to get back to me, spend some time with my friends. But then I feel like a bad mother/wife for wanting to just be alone for a bit, let alone go on a mini vacation alone. I know you'd be fine for 5 or 6 days with Mavis and Elsa while I went off to find myself again... It's really that, I feel like I lost myself when we went to Florida. I fucking hate that place and I honestly hope I never go back. I hope you don't think I'd ever sleep with anyone else or do anything like that. I made a commitment to you and I will be true to the end. I will never go back on my promise to you. So please don't think I want to get away because "there's someone else", because there isn't. It's just you and me in this mess. I'm sure I would have fun seeing our friends and have a great time with them but please know that I'll be missing you the entire time. I think I need to miss you. I feel so fucking trapped here. Please believe me when I say I'm terrified of what the future holds, I hate uncertainty and I feel like there's too much of it right now. I hope you can be understanding. I love you more than words can express and that's the main reason why I know we did the right thing.