so much going on right now...

where to start... well I guess we are going to Michigan at the end of the month because my husband's grandma is dying and we might not be sitting together on the flight.. with an almost 2 year old... on a daytime flight... are you fucking kidding me?? I only fly at night with her so she sleeps.... she doesn't like to sit still for long, she a regular active kid! And if my husband and I aren't sitting together then one of us (most likely me) will be stuck with a squirmy upset kid on our lap and not be able to take turns.

fuck me. I know this is hella morbid but I've always had the feeling that my husband is going to die before me... and like super young too. sometimes it's on my mind more than other times... tonight being one of those nights it's on my mind, a lot. I never doubt my intuition either, it hasn't let me down yet. I just don't know how to put it out of my head an enjoy the time I have with him fully and try not to worry about the unknown. Who knows, maybe he'll go the day before I do when we are super fucking old, maybe I'll go first. we just don't know. I've just felt like I will get married twice, and I know there is no fucking way I'd want to end this one and I know he feels the same. that feeling makes me worry that someday I'll do something terribly stupid and he won't be able to forgive me and he will leave me. I know if he were reading this he'd tell me that that would never happen. I know that tonight I won't feel ok until he walks in the door unscathed, until then I'm sitting here slightly freaked out and feeling tears almost within reach. wish me luck with all this shit, I fucking need it.

babies

I really really want to get pregnant this month... that's a lot of pressure to put on oneself. We've been trying for the past few months and nothing so far. I though I might be pregnant a few months ago but it turns out that the stress of finally meeting my bio grandmother made me not get my period for almost two week later than it should have been. I know I know, TMI. If I were to get pregnant this month my babies would be 2 1/2 years apart, I really don't want them to be any farther than that! (And there's some more pressure thrown on) Oh and I just got a new job... it's super flexible and awesome and part time and I get to work from home mostly and did I mention it's awesome? ha ha ha. Yeah, I'd love to get pregnant this month, sigh. Keep your fingers crossed people!

I have the best friends ever!

All I have to say is that I hope you read this... you know how you are! Well I love my friends dearly and I would just like to say is that when I text you and tell you I miss you and that i love you and you respond with "I love you even more." it makes me so happy and I just want to hug the shit out of you right then and there! I hope no one out there thinks it's weird that I tell my guy friends that I love them even though I'm married... I really do love my friends so very much and I'm not ashamed to say it!! So, Justin, Kyle, Derek, I'm thinking of you three right now and I love you all very very much and I feel so very lucky to call you my friends!! Thank you so very much for being a part of my life even though we live so far apart!!

I love you and I miss you!!

xoxo Erin

Today is a good day!

Today I got to Skype with one of my best friends. If you are reading this, thank you so much. It means a lot to me that we got to Skype for a long time today. I love seeing your face and I miss you so much. I'm so excited to get to see you in about four months!! Wahoo!!  I seriously want to hug whoever invented Skype. They have made living far away from our loved ones much easier. When my daughter was very very little we would Skype with my parents so they could see her, we all loved that! Seriously, my day has been brightened by the time I sat in front of my computer talking to my lovely friend. Oh, but I'm very sorry about my dog making gross sounds there at the end.... I'm not really sure what her deal was. ha ha ha! I'm glad you got to see my little girl and you got to hear her talking a bit... I'm still not totally sure why she calls you Dada but we'll run with it for now! ha ha ha!! Once she learns her J's, S's, and T's it'll be a lot easier for her to say your name! :)
thank you for brightening up my day!
xoxo

good things and confusing things...

Well, I'll start with the good and end with the confusing bit... cause I'm sure there will be more to the confusing part since I'm trying to figure it all out.

 Ok, the good... since my last post I made some art and that helped me a lot and then I sat down with my husband and we had a good looooooong talk about everything and I feel so much better now. I know I need improvement on my communication skills, but please believe me, I'm trying. I don't want to throw all of this away for something "better"... but I know without him I'd be completely lost and upset... it would be so much worse. I need him in my life so very much and he needs me just as much. I've gotten my "mojo" or whatever you want to call it, back so that's helped our relationship out too. I'm not saying that sex needs to be a huge part of a relationship, it doesn't, but it does help. We've even discussed the possibility of baby #2... that's huge to me. I want my babies to be close in age as well as in heart. I hated being pregnant and then I had a horrible case of PPD once my little bundle of love arrived.... I know that has my it hard for my husband to want to have another child and I totally understand. I'm not looking forward to being pregnant but I really hope I enjoy it more this time around. PLUS if I get PPD again I will be going to the doctor and getting help. I WILL, I PROMISE. I think that being close to my family and not working in a factory while being pregnant will make the pregnancy much better. I wanted to be able to wear things that made me feel pretty.... I'll let you in on something, I feel so ugly and fat when I was pregnant. I was uncomfortable and not happy. I love my dearest husband for sticking it out with me and effortlessly trying to make me happy. That in it's self should have made me happy but for some reason I just couldn't see all that he was doing for me.... I guess that's why they say hindsight is 20/20. Anyway, we are getting ready to celebrate 6 years together and our third wedding anniversary and I'm very happy with where we are today.

 So now the confusing bit... why when I talk to my friends and we talk about skyping soon they are all excited about it but then I feel like I have to bug the crap out of then to actually get them to skype? I totally understand that they have much much busier lives with their jobs and all but how hard is it to hop on the computer for like 10-15 minutes and just say hi? Sometimes it's just better to see people face to face, even if it is through a computer. I guess maybe I take it more personally than I should because I'm really lonely. I have one real friend in the whole freaking state I live in.... that's fucking hard. I know if I got a job and put my baby in daycare I could make some friends but I don't want to leave my baby. I don't think they understand how hard it is sometimes to stay at home all the time and not see anyone but my daughter and husband on a daily basis. I just miss you and that's why I want to skype. 

ok, I need to get the cookies out of the oven so this is all for now.
 xoxo

well, shit

I have so much garbage floating in my head right now an I don't know how to dispel it. I feel like I question things far too much, should we have gotten married with all the problems we seem to have? Or are the problems just in me, in my half of this relationship? Why do I not want to have sex with you? Why does that not bother me more? Is it because I've gotten comfortable in this whole no sex thing for the past... well almost three years? That's half the time we've been together... the entire time we've been married. That freaks me right the fuck out. That makes me wonder if we should have gotten this far in. I think maybe we took things to fast... and where does that leave us now? Married with a baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my little baby with everything I've got and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I just mean that most people who have known each other for 6 years are still dating, and possibly engaged.... I just don't know. For some reason the what-ifs always get to me and for some reason I let them. Maybe I just wish we were more free like when we first met, sometimes I hate all of the worry and responsibility that comes with all of this adulthood. And of course all of this negative thought make me not want to have another baby, I think we need to work through all of this before there's another child involved. Maybe I fucked myself by trying to stick to my plans I had made for life as a kid. I always wanted to get married young, have two kids two years apart... maybe I should have thrown those stupid plans out the window when I moved to California. Who the fuck knows. I know we have had some really good times that I wouldn't trade for anything and we have a wonderful little girl. Maybe we just need to spend more time on ourselves, just as a couple, not as a family or as parents. I do think that moving to Florida was possibly one of the worst things we have ever done... I can't say I've felt very happy ever since then. I hoped it would be better once we moved out here or when we were back in Vermont, but let's be honest... I need help to get out of my "funk" I've been in for two years. Maybe I just need something fun to do, maybe I need to spend time with some of my friends. I feel like I want to get away from everything for a little bit so I can be fully myself when I get back. I think that's why I want to go to California for a long weekend, to try and straighten all this shit out in my head, try to get back to me, spend some time with my friends. But then I feel like a bad mother/wife for wanting to just be alone for a bit, let alone go on a mini vacation alone. I know you'd be fine for 5 or 6 days with Mavis and Elsa while I went off to find myself again... It's really that, I feel like I lost myself when we went to Florida. I fucking hate that place and I honestly hope I never go back. I hope you don't think I'd ever sleep with anyone else or do anything like that. I made a commitment to you and I will be true to the end. I will never go back on my promise to you. So please don't think I want to get away because "there's someone else", because there isn't. It's just you and me in this mess. I'm sure I would have fun seeing our friends and have a great time with them but please know that I'll be missing you the entire time. I think I need to miss you. I feel so fucking trapped here. Please believe me when I say I'm terrified of what the future holds, I hate uncertainty and I feel like there's too much of it right now. I hope you can be understanding. I love you more than words can express and that's the main reason why I know we did the right thing.

big news... a long time coming!

Well... I'm pregnant! ha ha ha! I have just under 10 more weeks until my due date of November 29th. We are having a little girl named Mavis and I hope she arrives before Thanksgiving, not after! I'm so excited that I'm going to be a Mommy and to start this new chapter in my life. I really really want to move close to my parents and have their help and support after Mavis is born... we'll see when that will be able to happen. I can tell you this, I absolutely do not want to still be living in Florida in a year! I hate it here!!! I want to be closer to my family so they can be a big part of my babies life.
I will try to be a better blogger and keep you better updated!