so much going on right now...

where to start... well I guess we are going to Michigan at the end of the month because my husband's grandma is dying and we might not be sitting together on the flight.. with an almost 2 year old... on a daytime flight... are you fucking kidding me?? I only fly at night with her so she sleeps.... she doesn't like to sit still for long, she a regular active kid! And if my husband and I aren't sitting together then one of us (most likely me) will be stuck with a squirmy upset kid on our lap and not be able to take turns.

fuck me. I know this is hella morbid but I've always had the feeling that my husband is going to die before me... and like super young too. sometimes it's on my mind more than other times... tonight being one of those nights it's on my mind, a lot. I never doubt my intuition either, it hasn't let me down yet. I just don't know how to put it out of my head an enjoy the time I have with him fully and try not to worry about the unknown. Who knows, maybe he'll go the day before I do when we are super fucking old, maybe I'll go first. we just don't know. I've just felt like I will get married twice, and I know there is no fucking way I'd want to end this one and I know he feels the same. that feeling makes me worry that someday I'll do something terribly stupid and he won't be able to forgive me and he will leave me. I know if he were reading this he'd tell me that that would never happen. I know that tonight I won't feel ok until he walks in the door unscathed, until then I'm sitting here slightly freaked out and feeling tears almost within reach. wish me luck with all this shit, I fucking need it.

babies

I really really want to get pregnant this month... that's a lot of pressure to put on oneself. We've been trying for the past few months and nothing so far. I though I might be pregnant a few months ago but it turns out that the stress of finally meeting my bio grandmother made me not get my period for almost two week later than it should have been. I know I know, TMI. If I were to get pregnant this month my babies would be 2 1/2 years apart, I really don't want them to be any farther than that! (And there's some more pressure thrown on) Oh and I just got a new job... it's super flexible and awesome and part time and I get to work from home mostly and did I mention it's awesome? ha ha ha. Yeah, I'd love to get pregnant this month, sigh. Keep your fingers crossed people!